Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The way ‘I’ are…

Fore‘warn’: Reader, please persist, persuade and pretend to explore this stuff. I know at a certain level it might be a cross between being shitty and cruciatingly cryptic, but try and cling to it, making an effort to reach the end. 

P.s: Read the P.s


Yes I had sinned according to them. If you take the pain to go and look up in their rulebook of right and wrong, you may find my act probably in the top left corner. But Hell! Does it make a frigging difference in the way I am? Nay sire and soirĂ©e’s… I am, what I am… but being that I will always be something no one else can be.

And I am not bragging there dude…

Guess what happened wasn’t exactly right, but who cares man. You give me shit, and I return it back to you along with a bit of my own. That’s how the universe functions ain’t it? I heard that some Newton nutter had stated that each action has EQUAL and OPPOSITE reaction. Well ladies and their ladahs, I would like to beg exception to that case. I not only give a more powerful reaction, but also the same as you give to me. Gedit? So I don’t care a fuck that I had done it… you come and try to wobble your messy finger right there up my nose, and once you unstick it and carry goo on your nails back to your home crying about how the world is so fucking unfair, matey, you are so damn disgusting!

Oh now don’t get me started all over again man! Who in the Christ’s friggin name are you to tell me that I am scared? Oh hell! All that regular crap… Yes, yes… go on… say that I look shit-scared, and that my eyes are twitching left-right-center-up-down-cross to left-next to down right… Oh goodness grief, give it a break man… I am All-Right! You want me to prove it, just pull my eyes down and you’ll realize they are not as haywire as you suggest. Just hold my hands once, they are not shaking man, I am not bloody lying 

Oh so you say I should and I could and I have and I would and I may and I will and I am… but heck, I don’t see any sign of remorse! Listen buddy… Life’s for living… you live it for the sake of present, not because you have something in the past, which should, oh well yes I admit… which should be hidden or avoided. Get a life mate, ‘cause what the hell… If I go on wetting my pants over what has happened, then I wont even be able to enjoy that wetness… because this roadside dog called guilt will then rob me of the opportunity to fuck that bitch called present. 

Ah! I should have expected this one to come… God! Are you guys running out of valid arguments to counter arseholes like me? Man, you all must be loosing touch for sure… Gave up so early? So easily? I thought you’d use your super whammy for later, when you find that all this while you have been hitting the pointed side of the nail. Sorry did I say hitting? I meant missing-to-hit-the-pointed-side of the nail…

Gosh! Why am I even sitting through this drama! Depressing yaara! I can come up with a million more exotic ways to kill your time, but this! Man you guys have broken traditions and barriers!!! Can there be anything more unbelievable than your belief in your beliefs? Oh man! What crap can you guys start to put your faith in! As if you don’t remove out enough in the morning… Why add more of it throughout the day? And that too in the mind!!! Heard its dangerous… can lead to serious psychological problems all that stinking stuff hiding in your brains…

What the fuck! Do you think you’ll succeed? Man you must have been successfully conditioned in this dog-arse-wiping and then licking-your-own-salivated-mouth. No I am not! I don’t believe, I think. I don’t trust, I act. I don’t care. I live. Yes… you guys must have been computer feeded these fucking ideas, but let me warn you Alec Smart, no such luck with me…  You can’t make me the way you have been made!!! Gedit? I refuse. I am not willing!!!

Guess you don’t understand it easily, do you? Think only some persuasive story will register in your farting brains… All right. So I’ll tell you the story. And with the oath on those bloody ‘holy books’ of yours. Don’t ask me to choose which one though. All are equally stupid. After all, you all are Arseholes supporting another big Arsehole!!! So doesn’t matter which book. But yes, ‘I solemnly swear that all I herewith state is the truth and just the truth… nothing a frigging two pounds more or less. Happy?’

So here’s how it goes, that thing which happened just a few hours back. Oh man… If you start suggesting once again that this little piece of dipshit is making moi scared, then the story is off your hands brother…

Ooooohhk… Here we friggin’ go…

I think, I should mention a little of background details… You know… To clear the air… So… Lets see… Uhmm… Where did all start from? Ah! Beer…

Alcohol man… what will a regular decent guy do in his life without it? What is that morning, when you don’t wake up feeling your head thump in protest against unbelievable quantity of alcohol you stuffed inside? So yes, alcohol was the reason… and alcohol was the result…

Have you ever driven down the road at two o clock in the night jeering a leering at every animate and inanimate object under your line of fire??? If you haven’t, then dude… You gotta be jokin’ man… Is that whore you fuck called life? Nay I don’t mister… you gotta be fuckin’ dead! 

Ok, back to matters of concern… so I presume you wanted to hear this clap-trap of an incident… Yeah so gear up and pull up your defenses ‘cause its not gonna be easy mate…

So I and me pal went berserk in the middle of the night, raging down the streets of city in search of booze. Yes that was fun man… heavy breeze beating the shit outta your eyes… listening to music from the big apple on my arm…chasing cars on the street honking behind them for no reason, and being a friggin’ pest in your nose in general… Maannnn!!! I had fun…

And then suddenly, out of nowhere this bloke comes from rear, riding a stinking superior bike and grinning ear to ear on our crazy faces… What to do yaara… it infuriates you that there is another person in your domain having a better bike. The fact that he challenges you makes it even more complex… After that, you cannot blame me for taking the bait… He asked for his own demise dude…

So this chap thinks since he’s got a better bike and better teeth he can come n mess around with us. As I said earlier, if you start fingering my bloody nose, you will draw out the goo… and so did he…

He came and started pressing his crappy horn, switching his fucking headlights on and off… Then he decided to come and cut me… he nears and feigns once… twice… thrice… and last time, he again comes near… but now I have wisened up… I just give his butting arse a big kick… That sure gives his better bike a challenge. He wobbles beside us… shaking dangerously… and shakin’, shakin’, shakin’ he falls down… and there goes the wisecrack down the drain…

I am not sure, but I think that the bastard skid a few paces before his fucking bike chose to screech to halt. I guess he must have been concussed between the bike and the gravel… ‘cause he ain’t appear to have had an escape… So sonny jim scratched along with the bike, and I suspect one of those protruding spikes must have damaged something somewhere… Gosh… did he deserve it?

I stopped my bike and turned around to look at smoke, dust and grunts rising from the place he had stopped. I walked down, and tried to unearth him from the mess… which was pretty difficult feat, considering how mangled his bike and body were…

His head was stirring amongst the metallic mass. He looked up, and the fumes of a destructed bike cleared for a moment. I saw his eyes… begging to be helped… I saw they were in desperation… crying to be picked up and rushed to a hospital and taken care off… I saw his plea to live, his cry to be given a chance to live… But…

… I also saw something else down there …

I saw (a very surreptitious shade.) of vengeance in there. I saw that he is that scorpion on my back; who will bite me as soon as he will be delivered to safety. That piss-in-the-boots punk was threatening me!!! Me! On whose mercy he was taking his last breaths!!! (I might have imagined it as well, cause for all you know… I might have been looking at my own eyes, reflected in his…) 

And what did I do?

I left him… and not just turned my friggin’ arse on his face… No Sahib’s and Sahibana’s I bloody waved his death certificate in his fucking face… I smiled at him… or it will be… more, you know… judicious to say that I leered at him. Bloody, I mocked him while he was gasping for his last breaths… how could I have done it? How could I???

Wait a minute, what’s that sound? Who is knocking on my door this late? Its four in the fucking morning!!! Is that Mahesh? And what sound is there behind? Who is he talking to? Did I hear handcuff? Did I hear that overtly imposive manly voice of… Brr! Police? 

So you think I deserve it?

You think I will get it…?

You think this is justice?

You think it would have happened in the end…?

What a fucking joke?

Who are you?

You are not real until ‘I’ are… Gedit?

You cannot exist without me fuckin’ Arsehole…

You need me as much as I do…

Neither can live without others survival…

No don’t desert me like this…

You cant do this to me!!!

Its not moral, its not right…

What? You cant laugh me off like this… is morality only restricted to the moral ones? Don’t the amoral ones deserve some pity?

Fuck you man… you wont… you cant… you will not… you cannot… no, please you cannot… don’t… please don’t… don’t leave me…

 

Oh you are a coward… a bloody freaking coward… you don’t deserve to live… you want to screw my case, ain’t it… well brother, it seems I’ll beat you at your own game…

                                                                     (*)

A crash, sound of mirror breaking, combined with the noise of a door being forced to break open.

Silence.

                                                                    (*)

P.s: Ever heard of a treasure hunt? Well the above shit pretending to be a story was like one; underline the word like. I tried to ‘hide’ a few nuggets of human psyche and behavior amongst that shit. Now how you find it, whether you find it, whether you see it as a treasure… that all is your bloody problem. My role of dropping shit is fulfilled.

P.p.s: Sorry for the bad language. Trust me, any offences are not meant to be personal. After all; Its attitude baby…

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

See you around...

Now I had decidely vowed to stay away from blogging for sometime, because of this incurable writers block I had landed up myself in...   But considering a few recent incidents... I could'nt resist to jot down somethings impulsively... And the result is the mushy story below, which is, fact be known, part inspired from my life too...


See you around...

I don’t know why, and I haven’t figured it out as yet… But that moment, at the sound of her footsteps, the world seemed to have gone deaf, or was it that I had been mute? It echoed, each step, each tinkle of her wrist band, each movement of her waist, every single thing reverberated, as if my ears had suddenly gone extra picky… I know this will be sounding SO very cheese-corny, the kinda stuff you expect in those melodramatic movies or Mills & Boons novels; that running-behind-the-trees type of funda, but trust me, when you concentrate too hard on an object, its as good as world going blind, deaf dumb, lame, oh you handicap it from wherever you want to!

And then she turned around, and yes, there again the background music comes to place, full in its blast, they hurt my ears, but I paid no attention to it. Because I liked what I saw…

Her face had changed, or rather grown. Though her teeth were almost the same, whiter, yes, but they were equally misaligned as they were ten years ago. Her hair had grown beautifully, falling around her cheeks, blossoming her face like a fresh tulip. And her eyes… no, her eyes were as engaging as ever… as they were in the summer vacations of my childhood. When I fell in love for the first time.

What does it mean? she asked me.

“What does what mean?” I asked, evasively.

“The song which you were singing… what does it mean?” she asked, a weird glow on her face.

“What, Que Sera, Sera? I dunno, I just picked it up from my sister.” I answered guiltily.

“Oh! It’s got a lovely feel to it though… Que Sera, Sera… as if a bird has taken a new flight… ” She said, circling on the spot like a ballet dancer, dreamy look on her face. I look at her through the corner of my eyes, trying to appear as if I wasn’t really looking at her. Then came that sound of something falling down. A crash. She opened her eyes,

“Run.”

We run like mad… jumping, bobbing two little pesky kids running amok, hand in hand, never even once glancing behind… just running, as if in fear of being caught.

We reached the haven. It’s a shared secret, something only the two of us know. We use it only between us, when with someone else… we try to keep away. But that day it was only two of us, and we reached there, hands tightly clutched into each other’s, our small little bodies panting out of exhaustion, almost breathless out of excitement, fun and exhilaration. We look at each other and give that smile reserved for two partners in crime sharing the delicacy of yet another accomplished mission. She laughs and then I laugh and then we both are laughing like crazy, but we never leave each other’s hands. Until we realize split second late that we indeed have our hands in hands. Immediately we leave it, and shift uncomfortably in the cramped space, trying to avoid looking at each other. And then, we both jump ten feet in air when someone shouts from behind:

“Caught ya! HeHe… I know your secret place now…”

It was Amol, my neighbor and childhood friend. The one on whom the dime of hide and seek was. And now I bloody had to take the dime. I hated it when I had to seek her, it made me crazy…

“Hello!”

“Hi!”

I smile stupidly, showing off my stupid teeth, looking like that magician who is about to unveil one of his most dim-witted tricks; probably including removing a rabbit from the hat, or rose from the sleeve or doing anything vaguely close to being smart.  She looks around in obvious discomfort. Waves out to a few of her friends. I keep on nodding my head and smiling for no reason whatsoever.

“So, long time... hey…” she finally says something.

“Oh yeah, long time yeah… pretty long actually.” I try replying.

“Yeah, some serious years behind us…” she trails off…

“Yeah I reckon so… I s’ppse the last time we met was at my tenth birthday party?” I fumble. As if it matters when we had met last, or elaborating its details… yeah, yeah… that’s how you will find me…

“Yeah, it was great fun” she quipped. I smile awkwardly realizing my folly. Just to cover up, and get time to kick myself, I tried to lead her to the dinner buffet table.

“Oh should I join you in sometime? My friends are calling me, I’ll see you around?” she asked, her tone a bit hollow, as if confused about what to do exactly…

“Oh yeah… yeah… of course, allow me to excuse you…”

I went in the opposite direction and settled down on the sofa. Obviously brooding. Of course you don’t like making yourself look potty in front of a girl you loved. Even if you had loved her when you used to wear pants reaching your kneecaps…

She moved with her ‘gang’ of friends, who, for reasons best known to them, found it amusing to keep giggling and glancing in my direction. After chiding them for a while, she again assumed that solemn expression of hers. An expression I had seen only once before on her face…

“Erm… were you close? I mean did you like her?” I asked guiltily.

“I dunno. She used to shout at me. She used to be nasty sometimes. She also used to keep on taunting my mom, but at the end… I guess she was my grandmother, isn’t it? I should feel isn’t it?” she replied, her voice imploring me to comment, requesting me to affirm what her heart didn’t want to affirm.

I looked up at her; her eyes had a funny look, something I hadn’t seen often, kind of calm, yet confused. They tried to be steady, to tell that she was fine, comfortable… yet they had an inner turmoil, a sense of loss within, a sense of wandering.

“I dunno, I never knew mine personally. They went away too early.” I spoke without conviction I was just at loss of what to say when someone close; yet someone whom you dislike passes away. Guess it was darn liberating, but something was pinching her… I couldn’t tell what.

“Ice-cream? My treat…” I said, hoping I’d cheer her up.

She looked up at me with her sad eyes, then slid off from the wall, a smile on her face. When we started walking she casually remarked,

“You are sweet, Soham”

It took me ten years to understand what she meant when she said that.

“Not hungry?” her voice echoed around me.

I looked up and saw her sitting right beside, her hands empty.

“No, not like that… just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing… just…” I replied, in a hollow voice.

“You know, it was pretty good time we had those days…”

“Yeah seriously… Innocent times…” I replied.

I looked up to see her looking at me intently. Was the trick of that amber lit hall, or she indeed had something to convey, but there was a curious force in her eyes… again, she was looking in a way I had seen her looking only once before…

“What will it be?”

“What?”

“What would you?”

“Should I?”

“You wouldn’t?” her voice started to sound sad…

“No of course I will…but why do you want me to?”

“Is that a question? Should there by any reason?” her voice started assuming the quality of some suppressed dread. I couldn’t understand her reaction. It was a matter of simple transition. Everybody does that. Just because you change your house doesn’t mean you change the friends too…I remained silent. She kept on staring at me fiercely, like one stares at money given to a moneylender... 

She did not say a word. She just kept on being silent, and kept on looking at me as if I was going to run away from right under her nose…

And I did run away… The next time I met her was the last for a long time…

We started loading our respective plates. Soon our conversation deviated to all those years passed away, all that time gone by… just as if we were strangers altogether, yet again on the way to re-discover each other… It was so easy to talk; so easy to look at her without any foreboding, as if I hadn’t broken some promise she had expected me to keep… But then it was so good, so easy… to laugh at the jokes, to remember lost friends, to discuss college, studies, work, all those simple things of life… But there was yet another simple thing which we both were knowing, and neither was acknowledging… A feeling similar to one we were having at the end of our sojourn journey back then ten years ago…

“I missed you all these days…where were you?” she asked me, as we were moving in that desolate lane in the dead of night.

“I… I was nowhere… and I was everywhere…” I replied mischievously…

“What do you mean?” she asked curiously.

“Nothing… I was just joking…” I replied, my tongue firmly in cheek.

“Oh you look at me like a joke. I see…Fine…Got your number finally…” she replied, her tone nondescript.

“No… I was just fooling around… Didn’t really mean it... ” I replied earnestly.

“But I did.”

I stopped and turned around to look at her. She had this very funny expression on her face. A blazing look of confession, yet, at the same time, a clear indication of anger.

“Are you really mad at me?” I asked timidly.

She remained silent for a whole minute. She stood there, staring at me, hands on her hips, tongue clicking and foot tapping. Just when I thought I was in for a huge dressing down, she burst out laughing.

“Now what is this?” I asked wearily

“Nothing, just the look of your face… it’s so funny…” she replied, turning away from what I believed to not to laugh on my face. I didn’t notice the moistness of her eyes then.

“Well happy birthday.” She said when we reached her house.

“Thank you” I said as I started to move.

“Soham”

I turned around.

“Que sera, sera.”

“What?” I asked, bewildered, forgetting that year old incident.

“Nothing, good night… and take care…”

“Same to you… see you around…”

I didn’t knew, that even after ten years, I’ll look at the same expression on her face, as she had while closing the door of her house that spring night.

“So… again we part way’s?” she said, while we were walking down to the station.

“Yeah. But I promise not to just disappear this time.” I replied, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Then at least you agree that you did disappear.” She egged on…

“I… I, am well… kinda regretting it now…” I said, trying to avoid looking in her direction.

“Why? Que sera, sera.” She replied, stopping yet again, and looking at me.

I looked up at her, and understood, even when I didn’t know the meaning… her eyes explained to me.

“Yeah, but this time, I will try to make it the way it can… the way it should have been.”

She smiled. A smile of knowledge that in the end, things might again fall back to the old ways… In the end, once again the paths of our lives might go miles away… never to cross again… like they did that night.

“See you around Soham.” She said.

“See you around.”